Japan Part II

After predictions of a very mild winter for Niigata, I walked home in the sacred silence only a snow-covered land can bring, and awoke to almost a foot of fluffy white majesty out my door.  It has been 24 years since Niigata has had this much snow in December!  I often comment to people that they are safe around me because I love snow, thunderstorms, natural disasters, and generally anything exciting and "terrible" that everyone else hates...but I never "get" to be ther...or so I claim.  And so, in a reminder of God's extravagant love that longs to bless, not to withhold, I spent the day traipsing around in marvelous white...and in an amusing underline that God does not withhold any good thing...not only are there piles of snow outside my door, but it is now hailing while brilliant streaks of lightning illuminate my kitchen and thunder claps loudly in the skies with a resounding message...the message of Christmas really...that God loves so deeply, so completely, and so abundantly, that he withholds nothing good...giving even His own Son.  I never doubt that truth in theory, but sometimes in the mundane of life it is easy to forget the magnitude and reality of that truth.  And so, at least for me, a blanket of white that stops traffic and makes everyone's life "inconvenient" is the most wonderful reminder that God is real, alive, active, and full of glorious, beautiful love!

The snow was not the only evidence of God's presence, living and active, today.  Lindsey and I wanted to go adventuring in the snow and so headed to sushi for lunch.  On the walk home it was dumping snow again and so the walk took a lot longer than normal.  We were late to meet Pastor and James for our Staff Meeting, but were simply enjoying the snow walk anyway when we ran into a group of jr. high girls...one of whom was my student last year and a regular attender at Coffeehouse, etc.  I have her sister now, but haven't seen her in awhile.  I was just praying for her yesterday!  We stopped and chatted with the girls and asked if they were going off to study.  "No!  We're going to the park for a snowball fight!"  was the very appropriate answer.  We invited them to Christmas Eve service and they were all excited and wanted to come.  We continued on and arrived at the church.  An older lady was standing in the parking lot with her umbrella (they carry umbrellas in the snow here) and so I greeted her.  She said a few sentences and then walked off.  As we started stripping off our boots, coats, etc., she returned and started talking with me non-stop about someone she knew from another city and asking if I knew them...which crazily I did.  I didn't understand a lot of what she was jabbering about, but invited her to Christmas Eve service as well.  She said she was going with a group of friends to the Catholic Church near her home.  Wonderful!

Finally I made it in to the Staff Meeting where Pastor shared with us some of his ideas and visions for the future...ideas that are long-term and sound very fitting and Spirit-led.  We had great conversations and discussions that felt very alive and real.  Just a few hours later Lindsey's adult class joined us for the worship part of our Thursday Evening Circle of 12 group (which has been just English recently).  It was just 5 of us after the students left, but felt like one of the best evenings we've had in a long time...of rich sharing...real and good connections with each other and a deeper understanding and intimacy with God.

The weather forecast has little snowmen on every day of the week...and the spiritual forecast feels the same...blankets and blankets of holy blessing covering the world below with the glory of God!

I really do love winter...and snow...and God, and ministry, community, pain, struggle, etc., etc.! (not in that order!)  Hallelujah for seasons and for the mercies of God that are new every morning!

Sometimes when you are climbing a mountain you have the energy to just keep going with only a few breathers; but there are other times when the mountain is just too big and your energy depleted.  There have been several specific times in my life when God has called a time out on the mountain climbing in my life.  He has seen my lagging steps and heard my labored breathing...and responded not as a drill master, but a gentle Father.  "Enough!  We are stopping to rest for awhile.  Take your pack off, eat some lunch, drink lots of water, stretch your muscles, and sit down."  Sometimes I fight for awhile, insisting that I'm "strong" enough to go on...until it finally catches up with me and I collapse exhausted.  Other times I have been struggling for so long that I'm sitting before he can even finish the invitation.  Of course there are also plenty of times when He insists that we keep walking even when I feel like resting, but that is for another blog.

Sometime in November  (it's all getting hazy already) came the "We camp here for the night" call.  Relief rarely comes instantly even after forward progress has been halted.  There is a fire to build, food to prepare, tents to assemble, etc. before you can settle in to the business of resting and being refreshed.  And so the past few weeks have been a lot of building camp spiritually it seems.  The smell of the hot food cooking and the flames of a warm fire have been tantalizing.  The past week or so, though, have brought many unexpected times of refreshment...time spent in front of the fire.  Today I went to my regular doctor appointment (every 10 weeks) to get my thyroid/blood pressure medicine refills.  My blood pressure was the highest I remember it ever being recorded (129/70).  I did a doubletake and my doctor smiled, "It must be cold outside today." (Yes, and it was pouring rain so my pants were completely soaked from the walk to the hospital.)  "Is that too high?" I asked, knowing intellectually that it is a good range, but still reeling from the 30 point jump.  He laughed at me, "That is optimum!"  It dawned on me as I left that this must be why I love winter.  Yes, my fingers and toes lose all feeling, but since all that blood flow is cut off from all the appendages in order to conserve heat at the core, my blood pressure finally gets up to an optimum level...and the result is that I always feel very alive!   Those fingers and toes are really important too...and so that state can't be prolonged forever, but for a season sometimes it is good to cut off circulation to the outer edges and increase the blood pressure for the vital organs...and not just physically.  And so for now, God has cut off all my future vision, speculating, and planning...whether it is simply on hold, or off my plate for good I do not know.  All I know is that all of a sudden He has carved out a season of rest in my life.  I assumed such a season would have to wait for several months, but no, God is bigger than my assumptions!  And so, my fingers and toes might be numb, but my blood is surging back to my vital organs bringing them more oxygen and nutrients than they've had in a long time!

Tonight I watched the first half of the Intro Video for Beth Moore's "Living Beyond Yourself" Bible Study, which my sister and a good friend from high school and I are going to do together (San Francisco, Kansas City, and Japan....all meeting together weekly for a discussion group...see! technology is not inherently evil!) !  I did one of Beth Moore's studies during my last "wintering/rest stop" and loved it...not just the study, but the videos where she is teaching.  I love to be taught...but not just by anyone.  I love the input of knowledge, experience, information...at a very intense level.  I am not subtle...and neither do I prefer subtle learning.  Yell at me!  Dance, stomp, speak rapid fire without taking a breath!  That is how I learn.  Immersion is great for that and so I thrive in an environment where I don't understand the language and always have it being thrown at me rapid fire.  However, I only receive all that input in one subject...Japanese.  Bible Study, worship, sermons...all are really only a vague, subtle, watered-down version of the information...not because the actual content is water-down, but simply because of the language obstacle and inability to comprehend the depth that might be there.  And so tonight, in God's wonderful provision, in my pajamas half way around the world, I was bombarded with God's word in English.  I listened to the first 11-minute segment of the Intro session 3 times just so that I could soak it all in.  Beth Moore is not subtle.  She is every bit as intense as me.  She speaks firmly, boldly, directly, and even loudly.  She actually even commented about her overuse of exclamation points with "Sorry, I AM an exclamation point."  I half-laughed/half-cried...because I also am an exclamation point...a pink exclamation point in a land of black ellipses...there aren't very many people around here who "yell" at me.  Lindsey is also an exclamation point, and so we spend a lot of time "yelling truth" at each other...which is a wonderful blessing.  But we are both climbing the same mountain and weathering the same storms.  What wonderful grace to have a woman of God yelling at me all the way from Texas!

I don't know how long this rest stop will be, but I am grateful for the abundance of refreshment and filling that God has already started to provide and continues to draw me towards.  Hallelujah for Winter Rest Stops...and technology that allows nursing mothers, chronic pain sufferers, and foreign residents all meet together without leaving home!

And did you know...that we are finally supposed to get winter in Niigata this week...possible snow tonight...little snowmen across the whole week's weather forecast!

This afternoon, at English Bible Study, was one of those days where I sit back (literally) and just watch God work.  We are studying Isaiah and have been talking about the Day of the Lord for a couple of weeks.  There are a lot of regulars, but not very many people who come every week, so the dynamics of the group are always a surprise.  Last week was the smallest group we've had since I've been here (6), and today was the largest (13).  And today, several of the key attendees...the ones who almost never miss, were absent.  Instead, our pastor plus another pastor and his wife (friends of one of the attendees) were also there.  The other pastor and his wife came once before several weeks ago (they are from a different denomination and live in a different city).

We definitely hadn't finished covering Isaiah 2 and so at the end of class I said "We will finish talking about this next week," and ended the class, trying to be time conscious since I was already a few minutes over.  However, one of the older ladies who comes pretty often (usually saying it is because she is interested in English), stopped me with a "I have a question."  She spoke in Japanese asking about the last verse that I ended us on that says "Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils."  She was very upset/angry about that verse.  I couldn't understand all of her Japanese, but explained briefly about the main issue that she was asking about and then officially encouraged conversation in Japanese for anyone who still wanted to talk.  Pastor Miyazawa jumped in with a very heart-filled response, and as soon as he paused for breath the other pastor jumped in...back and forth for a few minutes.  Her question was at a very deep level.  It was so beautiful to watch them empathize, teach, love, and correct.    Others joined in and it became a great dialogue.  Her friend (who is a church member) left after Bible Study, but she stayed for music time and even prayed aloud during popcorn prayer.

The holiness and justic of God rightly brings fear and trembling.  It always amazes me though, that God can so gently provide the right amount of comfort and compassion as He walks people deeper into His presence and His glory.  "For who can stand the day of his coming?"  No one.  But He is there to catch us in His arms with salvation and grace, so even in the stripping and humbling there is no fear, only love.

I am always having conversations with people about community.  When I came to Japan God told me I was going to learn about community.  At that time I think I had an idea that such a topic that would be a building block...that I would learn about and then use as a tool...and extra element in life and ministry.  Ha!

Sunday morning several of us meet to read the Bible readings in English and pray before our friend has to leave for dance rehearsal.  This week Betsy couldn't make it and Lindsey had to leave early, so at prayer time there were three of us: a dancer from Japan, a medical researcher from Kenya, and me.  "Fun! We are all from different countries," I observed.  "We're all from different continents!" came the reply.  Black, white, yellow; all speaking different primary languages and in very different vocations, but sisters nonetheless - encouraged, energized, and empowered by just a short time together.

The day before at our "Music Time" after Saturday Bible Study I was struck by the same theme.  We were equipped with a full band accompaniment (WOW Christmas CD) and Japanese hymnals.  Someone would choose a Christmas song and we would open up to the Japanese lyrics in the hymnal and then sing along with Third Day, FFH, etc.  The more "jazzed up" modern versions were fun for all (and not available in Japanese usually) and the gathering was full of life and joy...even our 80+ year old man was tapping his toes and singing along. 

Why are times like these so meaningful and encouraging?  Why do I get more done when I don't live alone than when I have no "distractions"?  Because we were designed to live in community.  God's observation in Genesis was that "it is not good for man to be alone".  He wasn't just talking about Adam.  We need people who live and work and play with us to encourage us, to kick us in the butt, to reaffirm our gifts and strengths, and to rebuke our vices and weaknesses.  We need a variety of personalities and perspectives to reign in our extremes and give clarity to our doubts and insecurities.

In Japan there are even more single women than in America (significantly more I think).  Our design for community and relationships is not just a "if/when I get married I will live in community" thing at all.  Marriage is simply one aspect/relationship of community.  As I watch God continually bringing us back to and deeper into this idea of living every aspect of life in community...eating, resting, working, praying, worshiping, learning, struggling, rejoicing I see what a rich treasurehouse God has given us for the taking...if only we are willing to shed the blood, sweat, and tears to enter and fight for that promise that when 2 or 3 are gathered together in His name He is there in the midst of them...not there in memory or name only, but He is uniquely and powerfully present  in the plural.

Friday Night is our Jr. High class.  Lindsey and I used to teach the class, but then because of schedule changes and such James is now teaching it with me.  The class is 2 (sometimes 3) girls and 2 boys, so it is nice to have a guy in there too.  The oldest boy (8th grade) is probably the trickiest dynamic.  He is a great kid, but last week he was barely responsive after an intense week of mid term tests at school.    I have nothing positive to say about the Japanese testing system (and I LOVE tests!).  A couple weeks ago one of the high school English teachers was getting Lindsey to help explain a really difficult reading selection so she could "teach/test" on it...not her choice, but the school board's.  Many American kids would not do well on the written English tests they give to their students who can barely greet you in the hall.  The Japanese kids don't do well either...they just all get low scores (which is what the tests are designed for) and feel guilted into "I need to study more" attitudes.

So, with that academic set-up for failure is often how the kids come to us - frazzeled, overwhelmed, and burned out on studying.  That makes teaching English on a Friday night a bit of a challenge sometimes.  However, most of these kids and/or their parents, realize that there is more to life that good test scores and that language is more than memorization - so we have the freedom to make class fun an communicative...and occasionally do writing and workbooks.

Last night, the older boy was especially distracted though.  Not by the girl from the first week (she was absent), but by the Bible Manga (New Testatment done in manga/comic book style).  We have them in the room for the students to read before/after class (they are in Japanese).  As much as I love them reading the Bible...I don't let them read Japanese during English class.  I had to physically take it away from him more than once.  He actually put up a fight too!  After I had taken it away a couple times the other boy took it away from him.  (that was pretty funny!)  I told him "I love that you are reading this...just do it after class please!"  So after class he snatched it up immediately.  Twenty minutes later his mom came looking for him.  She and I talked for awhile and then she tried to get him moving.  No response.  He was deep in the middle of the story.  "Come on!  Your brother is waiting in the car!" she said.  No response.  Finally I said (in English even), "You can take it home and read it and bring it back next week."  Response: Jr. high grunt of acknowledgment as he stood up and walked out the door carrying the book, without taking his eyes off the page or saying anything to his mom or me...just kept reading.

Have I mentioned that I love junior high kids?!  I don't know why others don't.  They are completely unpredictable one day from the next - always exciting and full of surprises.

Last year I found myself both continually drawn to and frustrated by several old ladies in church...but one in particular.  What was I frustrated by?  Well, the same thing that frustrates me in many people (including myself)...not just their captivity and lives marked by fear, loneliness, and a survival mentality, but their seeming desire to stay in that place.  It really is the human condition.  We are very silly creatures, humans.  Rich Mullins says it very eloquently, "I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want, than take what you give that I need."  Proverbs says it a little more bluntly, "As a dog returns to its vomit."  Jesus expressed God's heart response: "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing."  Whether it is living in addiction, abuse, or just settling for survival... we crazy people most often drift toward what is familiar and comfortable (however destructive and awful it might be) instead of freedom and abundance.  Whether we are the ones inflicting or receiving is based simply on our personality.  The bullies and the bullied are all captives...just different sides of the coin of misery.

So, back to this particular woman (who we affectionately call the "Cat Lady").  She would always say that she was lonely but couldn't come to church because her cat would be lonely.  She couldn't come pray because she couldn't leave her cat...etc., etc.  I felt like I was arguing with/yelling at her ever single Sunday.  "You were made for more than wasting away at home with your cat.  You still have life in you.  You were designed for prayer, for worship, for fellowship, for community, for love.  Stop living in fear and in the past."  There were many other well-meaning church ladies who would try to explain to me that she is just that way...try to quiet me from the uncomfortable...and downright painful things I was saying.  And every week I would complain to God, "Why do I always have to be the mean one?  Why do I get the "fun" job of yelling at people?"  He just patted me on the head and sent me on my way again.  "You know why, Cindy, because they need to be set free - and setting people free is rarely a fun, or warm-fuzzy battle."

Well, God is gracious and more often than is necessary lets me see the fruit of obedience - the freedom that truth and light bring.  It is the same battle I hear my mother fighting on a daily basis with my younger siblings...fighting for them by fighting against them and their continual destructive choices.  She doesn't get to see victory nearly as often as I do.  Most parents don't I imagine because their calling is much more long term.  

So, what is the victory I keep alluding to?  Well last week Mrs. Cat Lady told me how sad and lonely it had been all summer without me there.  Without me?  The one who yells at her regularly and tells her the life she is living is not what God wants for her?  She talked about how when I first came she thought it was really strange that I would hug her.  Yesterday, she walked toward me with arms outstretched seeking out a hug.  I asked her during the meal about what she had been learning or experiencing in her faith walk recently.  She had no answer.  "I don't read my Bible," she confessed...obviously looking for pity.  She received none and I launched into a sermon (this is not the first one on this topic) about how we don't wait until we aren't depressed to read God's word (that was her excuse), but that it is the light that helps pull us out of the darkness.  Another church member interrupted me to explain that she has always been this way since she was a child (depressed and unable to read the Bible) and that I should leave her alone.  I started explaining that when we cannot read the Bible or worship on our own that is when we need the body of Christ to help us and pray for and with us.  Then, wouldn't you know it, another 84-old timid little church member starts talking passionately about how she is often afraid, but that she just yells out loud when she is scared for Jesus to hold her hand and walk with her and then she yells at Satan to "Get out of here."  She didn't say any of this quietly or timidly - but with passion and very strong Japanese.  It was beautiful.  She is not a fiery lady, but man, she was preaching as strongly as I had just been...and with stronger Japanese!  Her face radiated joy and freedom as she shared where strength and hope come from...100% from Jesus...IN our weakness, not after we conquer weakness.

After lunch Betsy and I asked Mrs. Cat Lady if we could pray for her.  She started getting fidgety and saying she would have to go home soon, etc., etc., but we assured her that we would just pray quickly for God to protect and strengthen her.  She agreed and we sat in the sanctuary...both of us praying in our very non-eloquent Japanese.  Betsy didn't even pray for her directly - she simply praised God and his character.  I prayed a simple prayer for her and then read (in VERY  jolted Japanese) Paul's prayer in Ephesians 3.  Megumi had arrived mid-prayer and joined by laying hands on her also.  We finished and she took off her glasses to wipe away her tears.    She apologized for crying and then poured out some of her struggles and fears and pains.  She sat there without fidgeting, allowing herself to receive love.  She isn't completely free yet, but with each encounter she allows a little more of God's truth and his love to penetrate and bring light, warmth, and healing.  You can see the look of hope (still small, but distinctly there)...can there really be victorious living?  Can I really hope for more than this miserable life of fear and survival that I have simply resigned myself to all these years?  Yes and yes!  There is no darkness so old or set that God's light cannot penetrate and release.  That is the good news.  The light of the world has come...the true light that gives light to every man.  Salvation doesn't begin after we die.  Goodness no!  Salvation and freedom and eternal life begin when Jesus' light enters our dark souls.  "You shall know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free."

"What is our focus supposed to be these next few months?"  "Who are the people we are supposed to be pouring our time, prayers, and energy into?"  Lindsey and I have been asking these questions individually and together the last couple weeks.  Our general conclusion was that there were 2 groups of people that God had really "given" us to focus on.  (1) A group of young, committed Christians longing for/needing a place for worship, prayer, discipleship, Bible Study...several of us who need a place where we can strengthen and be strengthened...instead of just leading.  A place where we gather together to be ministered to by God as a group.  (2) Second is an assorted group of people in various stages of drawing near to God.  There are many who are openly asking questions and wanting to know more of God...not necessarily just more about God, but wanting to know God.  Some have stepped into the water of trusting him and starting to love him.  Some are still a little wary and so ask their questions and look on with great interest from the shore - wanting to see what happens to those who wade (or dive) into the water, but not yet willing to get wet themselves...yet.

We agreed to pray for God's direction and had already set up a time to meet and talk...next week.  Well, God's funny sometimes...okay, a lot of the time.  I expected Saturday Bible Study to be "normal" today...whatever that means.  Instead, God just took the whole thing and turned it all into a perfect, balanced ministry for that second group.  I just stood watching it all, shaking my head at God and thinking "How do you do that?  Amazing!"

A theme of my summer seemed to be "Soaking Prayer/Worship."  I had several conversations with different people about it.  It isn't actually a new thing for me, but it had been awhile.  One girl that I met and who told me about a Soaking Prayer Conference that she had attended suggested Psalm 84 for me.    Well, she didn't actually connect those dots...they were 2 different parts of the conversation...but I instantly felt a nudge from God to "soak" in that psalm for the month of August.  I did and there are so many insights and blessings that I received from it.  So, I decided to postpone diving back into Acts during the Saturday Bible Study (which is what we are studying) and instead last week gave them an introduction to soaking prayer...and a challenge to try it for the week.  Totally unrelated to that (but completely related to God's perfect timing) we had a dozen people today - including Pastor, Lindsey, and James (new missionary).  I intended the first 1/2 of class to be a brief recap and debriefing from the week's "homework", but instead it became a time of actual soaking, but then great sharing in small groups.  The din in the room, and the quality and content of the conversations being had was awesome.  They weren't conversations of intellect or grammatical points, but conversations about God's character and what it means to be in relationship with him.  Several people commented about how they were so refreshed just by reading that psalm several times a day every day. 

We listened to the song "Better is One Day" by Chris Tomlin, which is basically just Psalm 84 to music.  One of the students who does not profess to be Christian was in a group with Lindsey and started asking her if there was Japanese worship music like that also (not just the old style hymns...she is middle aged).  I tried playing a few songs that I have on my computer, but that wasn't going over well.  Megumi was there and so we grabbed the songbooks and walked across the hall into the sanctuary to sing some of the newer worship songs written by a couple different Japanese pastors.  This woman was singing boldly and joyfully (and amusingly told Megumi that she was singing too quietly and needed to be louder).  About 5-6 of us sang for an hour and a half.  The 2 "non-Christian" ladies who joined us both responded with excitement and joy when we suggested doing the same thing each week after Bible Study.  So, next week, we will have worship after Bible Study. Voila!  Without a strategy session, but simply with prayer - God birthed what he wanted us to be focusing on...all in 1 afternoon!

(James is teaching the afternoon English class that I used to teach.  Since he is teaching that class I can stick around with the group downstairs.  I can't lead/produce worship that involves music, but I can be a "doorkeeper"...opening the door and guarding it from the people who are just looking for a social hangout or default into those things and making a way for those with the gifts to lead.

And so I think we have a new pattern (at least for awhile).  Soaking time, Bible Study/discussion, and then worship.  Yay for God's great ideas and perfect timing and orchestration of those great ideas!

Classes began again September 1st.  Although my visit to the United States was wonderful and very refreshing spiritually and relationally, there hasn't been much transition time coming back.  We had Prayer Retreat the day after I returned...9 girls for 3 days.  It was a wonderfully, beautiful time of blessing, community, worship, solitude, and of course prayer.  The first Sunday back was also a good-bye to Lauren.  Two days later James arrived from America to join our team at Nozomi.  What a week of transition and mixed emotions (grieving, welcoming, etc.).  I feel like a ship that just did a quick 180 degree turn and is now facing a different direction with all my internal fluids sloshing around looking for equilibrium while outside the wake churns around me...meanwhile I appear to not be moving at all.  There are 4,000 gabillion things I should and want to post on this blog...the volume is just too overwhelming at the moment to get anything out.  So, for now, this is an update to let you all know that classes are back in session.  I am in love with my jr. and sr. high students again (I always forget how much I love those age groups until I spend time with them again).  I have yet to unpack from my trip to America...and hope that I will get around to that sometime soon.  It was wonderful to see everyone in the States this summer and receive such wonderful encouragement and prayer from so many people.  You and your prayers are still very much appreciated, even if your emails might not be returned anytime soon.

I'm not often moved by others' grief.  I do not naturally bear others' sorrows.  I might get angry at injustice, push for change and progress, or stand up as a voice for those on the sidelines, but normally I do not weap with those who weap...not because I don't want to, it just isn't how I am naturally wired.

Which is why it is usually proof to me that the Holy Spirit is moving to give me a glimpse of God's heart when tears spring to my eyes over the grief of others.  This last week has included 2 such cases.  The first one was a middle-aged widow telling me how she can't talk about her deceased husband because her friends tell her to forget him and move on with her life.  My heart broke for her...what depths of pain and loneliness to be forbidden to grieve...what a cold existence to be denied the memories of love and joy...what despair to have nowhere to pour out your sorrows and receive comfort.  She doesn't just need a friend to listen to her talk.  Her grief is too deep, her pain too lethal.  Only the everlasting arms of the One who will one day wipe away every tear, who has borne our sorrows, who makes all things new, who is love...only He can heal her heart.  And at those times I feel the agony of personal choice.  I cannot make her drink of the living water that will fill her soul and heal her wounds.  I cannot force her into the waiting arms of Jesus.  My words, my prayers, even empowered by the strength of the Holy Spirit still hold their breath waiting for her response.  Will she receive the embrace reaching out to enfold her, or will she cling to the pain and fear that have become her familiar companions?

The second woman is an older woman whose husband has been ill.  They are both in their 70s and so even though she says he has gotten a little better, I see the truth in her eyes that she knows, that I know, and that he knows...the end is not far, be it right away, or a little more delayed.  She hasn't been to Lindsey's class in weeks and Lindsey has frequently commented her concern and given me updates (I know her because she used to be my student).  But it was last night when I was looking through pictures to share in America in August that I found myself deeply grieving for her.  I came across a picture from November when we had gone Christmas caroling (yes, in November) and stopped at her house.  Honestly, when I saw the picture I was first feeling sorry for myself and missing Haidee and the way we work so well together (not that I don't with everyone else here...I do, but it is just different).  And then God turned my focus to this woman and her husband's faces in the picture.  I saw the weakness in his face that says life is fading fast.  I thought of how painful it was/still is to say goodbye to someone close after only a year...how does someone whose life has been intimately and daily tied up in love and sacrifice with another person for more than 50 years lose that person and survive?  And that's when the grief for her really hit me...they often don't...dying of a broken heart is not just a phrase out of a romantic tragedy...it is often a true diagnosis.  To endure such searing pain without the love of Christ to surround you...the thought is too big, too overwhelming to even comprehend...and so I prayed for her as I looked at her picture.

Today, on the way to the church in the afternoon she was outside in front of her house.  I stopped and asked about her husband.  Her face was filled with desperate fear and her eyes wild.  I spoke no English and asked her if I could pray for her.   She instantly reached out and grabbed on tightly to my hands as I prayed for her and her tears flowed.  Afterwards she tried to apologize for crying and I told her she didn't need to apologize.  We are weak as people and we need God's strength - we don't need to pretend to be strong.  She told me her sons come and try to help, but they can't really help.  "You can talk to Jesus anytime - he wants to love you and your husband and bring you peace, comfort, and salvation," I told her...and she said "Sometimes I do talk to him."

Still I cannot get her out of my mind or off my heart.  One old woman's heart breaking as her husband's life grows dimmer...there are thousands more like her in my city alone...millions and millions more grieving and facing death with fear and despair around the world...and God knows each one's name, feels each one's pain, longs to give an endless supply of His living water to fill each one's life to overflowing.  How does He hold such suffering?  How does he continue to love and pursue people that often reject his love and chose death and despair instead?  How can he watch?  How can he stand the pain?

There are no words for such love.

Saturday we had a "Music Evening" event at church.  Lauren and Pastor were the main organizers with the hope of gathering different musicians to share their gifts...and for various people to be able to connect with each other and with God through music, conversation, etc.  I am often surprised at who shows up for which things.  One of the first ladies there was the mother of a girl my age who was just baptized a few months ago.   She started coming to the church a little over a year ago (found it on the internet) and after awhile started bringing her mom.  Her mom goes to the most surprising things and her daughter and I often laugh together about it.  It usually goes something like this "Hey, did you know your mom came to such-and-such?" We had expected a younger crowd, but her mom's attendance was just another reminder that you just never know.

Another surprise was a middle aged man who recently started attending my Saturday afternoon English Bible Study (again - he found it through the internet).  He lives kind of far away, but after Bible Study went home.  Lauren tried to talk him into bringing his guitar back with him, but we didn't know if he would come.  Well, he didn't bring his guitar, but his 8-year old son instead!  His son was captivated by the sanctuary and was asking all kinds of questions.  His dad said "He was really moved when he walked in there."  There were several church members there also (actually no English school students).  After the "program" part of the evening a group of people stayed in the sanctuary playing music and singing together while another group gathered around the small tables (and snacks) in the lounge, talking and getting to know each other.  The little boy floated back and forth between the two, never seeming bored.  We told him there are 2 other boys in Sunday School his age and that we'd love to have him.  He and his dad both seemed interested.  God sure brings people from all over the city!